Just Rodney...

I need a ride

2007-08-01T09:30:00.001-07:00

I'm flying into Hobby Monday night @ 12:25 (guess that's actually tuesday morning!). I need someone to pick me up and take me to Tomball. I know most of you have jobs and things like that - but if any of you are able please call me, I have to get up and go fill out paper work at the school district tuesday morning. Thanks!

California people...

2007-05-31T15:25:00.000-07:00

I'm flying to California June 6th and will be staying at least until the 24th maybe longer. I'll be at my brothers bachelor's party for a few days, then camping on the beach with friends and family. My brother gets married on the 16th. I'll be free from the 13th to the 23, so give me a call if you want to hang out! Peace homies!

I got a job!

2007-04-05T22:00:00.000-07:00

The job hunt has been very slow, but my persistence finally paid off - today I signed a contract with Tomball ISD at a school that I love! God has really blessed me. Not only did I get a job, but I got a job in my preferred district, at a school that I love - it's only 10 minutes from our house! So thanks to all of you guys that let me vent when I was frustrated with this whole becoming a teacher in texas deal and especially for all of your prayers.

Anyone up for some Anne?

2007-02-24T05:38:00.000-08:00

That's right - Anne Lamont's coming to Houston. I read her book 'Traveling Mercies' and loved it! I'm not sure what she will be talking about - it doesn't say, but you can't go wrong with Anne Lamont. Check it out here. It will cost about $25. Let me know if you're interested.

A little help here...

2007-02-22T21:57:00.000-08:00

I need some help. I've been wrestling with how one knows God lately. I'm wrestling with some pretty fundamental truths and it's a little scary for me. It's scary because I'm afraid that if I shake the foundation, there might not be anything left to believe in - or anything worth believing in. I'm also afraid that people will think less of me because I am wrestling with this. However, I'm committed to being real with my questions and trying to self-differentiate (this is what Ken said he thought my greatest need was when I first came to Texas - he said my self-confidence was low). So here are my struggles; I will lay a big one out for you. Hopefully you can help me. But first I want to preface it with a few things I just read from Brennan Manning's 'Ragamuffin Gospel':

"Freedom in Christ produces a healthy independence from peer pressure, people-pleasing, and the bondage of human respect. The tyranny of public opinion can manipulate our lives...What will people think?...The expectations of others can exert a subtle but controlling pressure on our behavior." (p.146)

"...a wisdom that gives some things up, lets some things die, and accepts human limitation. It is a wisdom that realizes: I cannot expect anyone to understand me fully." (p.158)

With that I'll lay my struggle out for you (this is my honest struggle before God and I'm convinced that He's big enough to handle my questions - I don't think I can hurt His feelings, rather I can show my devotion to Him by pursuing Him with all the honesty my heart can muster) My intention is not to change your mind about what you believe, but to understand why and how people believe what they believe and to see if knowing that may help me believe:

The Bible

I'm having some trouble with some of the assumptions I have about the Bible: 1. It's inerrant 2. It's inspired (I believe it is inspired by God) 3. The Bible is authoritative because it says in the bible that it is Authoritative.

For the first one (inerrancy, spelling?), I would like to know if anyone knows of a verse that claims inerrancy? Otherwise I'm under the impression that inerrancy is a product of man - created to cope with the demands of concrete credibility modernity requires. I don't think the Bible has to be inerrant to be useful or to be inspired. I think they're could be mistakes in translations and things like that.

My issues with inspiration don't have to do with weather or not the Bible is inspired or not(I believe it is), but that it is the ONLY or MAIN source of inspiration available to people today. I tend to see the whole Bible as a foundation thing as a sort of idolatry - putting the good, scared text, above all else - included divine revelation in a persons life. I know that is a little shady, but it's hard for me to believe that God gave us a final code book that tells us how to live and never intends to really interact with people like He did in the early church. I mean Paul had an encounter with the risen Christ! Is it just me or does this not happen so often?

OK, so I know we have to have faith and stuff - but c'mon! The Bible is authoritative and full of truth because why? Because the Bible says it is?!?!? What if the Koran claimed the same thing about itself? What if I claimed my blog was authoritative and that God was using me as His mouth piece to speak absolute truth for the sake of the world? Would you bank on that? I ask this question because when I'm interacting with my friends that are not Christians but seem to be spiritual and seeking - I'm not sure what kind of weight the Bible will have from their perspective. So I really have developed this idea that no matter how truth-y the Bible may be, it may have no authority in my friends' lives - so all I can do is LIVE my faith in honesty before them - share my struggles with them - and hope that they would encounter Jesus. I mean really experience him like Paul did - like I'm sure many Christians have experienced him. Personal revelation. It's like it doesn't exist anymore - at least not in the States.

OK, that's enough for now - it's 12:47 am!!! I need to go to bed.

I'll close with this invitation: Push back. Let me know what you think about these questions. What answers do you have - or what struggles do you have with them? Let's engage in real conversation, let's push back, let's find the questions to the answers and follow the trail however deep it may go.

Test time...

2007-02-22T15:13:00.000-08:00

So if I want to renew my teaching certificate I have to pass two tests. I took one on Monday and just got the results: PASS! The next one is on Saturday and will be much more difficult, so please pray - I'll study in the meantime.

Black, White or Gray? - What JAM said...

2007-02-21T20:21:00.000-08:00

My friend Jam and I had planned on playing tonight (his name is Julius - initials JAM). I rolled over to his house at around 8PM. We we're both pretty tired, so we didn't end up playing any music. We just watched the Rockets game and talked. He had just talked to our old drummer who is living in New York, trying to get him to move there as well. Jam has been back and forth with whether or not he wants to move to New York and is currently leaning towards moving. I think he wants me to go with him. Tonight he was eluding to the move and how great the music would be if we could play with Byron again. I smirked and reminded him that I moved to Texas to be part of Wellspring.

We talked about some other things.

Then he came back to it; he said that I was an educated, intellectual person. He said he had a lot of respect for me; for the way we can make music. One of the greatest compliments he paid me was this: He told me I was tolerant, but that tolerant wasn't the best word for what it was he respected about me. It was about how the things we believe in are so different, but that I had found a way to treat him the same without compromising my beliefs, without robbing the friendship. I like that. I like that I'm learning how to be in relationship with people that are different from me and it not be a project type of mentality. He said that he thought it was not fitting for me to stay in Tomball or even Houston (his opinion of course). That he thought I'm more cracked up to travel and wanderer. He says that spirituality is creativity (or maybe I said that and he agreed with me or something). Basically he wonders why I will stay in Tomball - even if my situation changes and I have the ability to wander somewhere else.

It's hard to see the gray areas. We tend to think things are either black or white. Everything is so extreme. You either settle in a small town for the rest of your life or you wander from big city to big city. You're either artistic and creative or dull and lifeless. You're either full suit professional or tattooed, pierced and don't give a damn about your job. I think I want to be gray. True, New York would be fun - it would be another adventure. But I've found so much here in Texas. I have met some incredible people, and am journeying with an awesome community. I have so much to look forward to. And once I get my teaching job lined up I plan on buying a house. I can use it for ministry; let people live with me. Make music in my house. I can spend my summers traveling when I'm not teaching. And I don't mean vacation. Vacation is when you spend a few weeks in another country, see the sites, eat the food, and fly home. I'm talking about living with my new friends all around the world. Soaking in their culture. LIVING with them. I'm going to Germany, London, Australia, Scotland, Slovenia. So why can't I do that somewhere else? I guess I could, but I like it here and plan on staying a long time. Things could change, but for now I'm a Texan. I think I will be gray - not completely unsettled and wandering, but not completely stuck in Tomball - stationed here, moving where I want. That's a nice shade of gray.

I've got to admit it's getting better

2007-02-05T15:42:00.000-08:00

It's getting better all the time! The Beetles know what's up. Last week I let myself get a little down. I was dwelling on my perceptions of my job situation. I've been trying to become a teacher ever since I came to Texas, and I have to tell you - it's frustrating when you put in applications, send resumes, and go the extra mile and don't even get interviews. I'm a big doubter - a pessimist that always feels like nothings going to work out. I'll say things like, "I know God will take care of me...yada, yada, yada", but I really doubt it. Because my reality includes several days of joblessness - and I'm not talking about a full time job. I mean I'm begging for a school to give me the opportunity to come spend 8 hours teaching as a sub for a whopping $65 and some experience. Yah - I'm bitter. Sometimes I feel like God is in control of things, like he's operating the universe like it's a machine; and I know he has his hand on the freakin' lever waiting for 'his timing' to pull it. What lever you ask? Well the 'give my beloved son rodney a teaching job lever'. I can see him saying to himself - 'hmmm, ill wait a little longer - my son needs patience - he will learn a lot from waiting; he will learn to depend on others instead of himself; he will learn that I will provide what seems to be just enough for him (even though he is very rich in comparison to the rest of my children in Africa); yes, my son will be a better person if I wait longer to pull this lever'.
OK GOD! I think I've learned enough! Pull the you-damned lever (get it...YOU-damned lever - yah sorry it's a really bad joke - plus I just lost some points with my conservative friends. Sorry guys, couldn't resist - you know me!)

So why is it getting better? Because I think I am learning a lot from things not going how they were supposed to go. I think it's good for me to be frustrated. I love to be in control and be able to take care of myself. Shoot, I'd like to be so well off that I'd have enough to buy myself some cool recording toys - and not just a few - a lot of them! But maybe now that I'm depending on Ken and Becky to provide for me (even though they are in a less-than-perfect financial situation themselves), I'll be more likely to give what I earn as a teacher to others in need. I hope I'm half as generous as Ken & Becky have been to me - they buy me food, provide me a great home to stay in, take me to aggie games, let me use their washer and dryer, eat their food, jump on my bed (i've never tried this, and now that i think about it becky might object...but i might ask if it's ok), mow the lawn (yah, it makes me feel better about staying here), and a bunch of other stuff too!

So yah...I guess I'm learning something from all this.

California People I forgot!

2007-01-21T09:00:00.000-08:00

Fred and Kathy!
I work with Kathy and go to their house on Wed. nights to play with a bunch of people. We play old fiddle tunes and stuff like that. It's a blast. Kathy plays the standup base, fred is one of the best fiddle/mandolin players I've ever met, and they're are a bunch of others too!

Morris Nursery
I worked at the Nursery since '99. It's a great job (despite all the bickering we did!). Ron & Dave took good care of me and provided me a flexible way to work while going to school. I love all the staff there (except Matt Tanis - that guys a jerk). Please pray, the Nursery burned down last Sunday - it's been there about 30 years! My boss was injured, but I think he's ok, I just hope that the place is up and running soon.

People I know and am thankful for PART 3 BABY!!! TEXAS EDITION!!!

2007-01-20T19:31:00.000-08:00

KEN & BECKY!!!
This entire chapter would not be possible if it weren't for Ken and Becky. They have taken me into their home for next to nothing! Becky has been wonderful - she does so many nice things for me. Sometimes I come home late at night and find the lamp in my room left on. She explained to me that the light is for when I come home drunk (easy modesto people....I don't get drunk every night, just sometimes...ok, now modesto people are trying to figure out if im joking or serious!). Ken and Becky have kinda taken me in as their Texas son - at least that's how I see it. They even let me go to Texas A&M games with them(freakin' awesome! Ken's sister's family is loads of fun!). It's been wonderful living here and I can't say how blessed I am to have Ken and Becky in my life and helping me along my journey. It's one thing to get to spend time with a mentor every now and then, it's another to get to live life in the same house with him. Thanks for everything - you guys are soooo generous! I love you.

ABBY! Abby is Ken and Becky's daughter who moved back after she graduated from college. She's like a sister to me. We love cherry coke.

Ryan
This is the part where Juli starts to dial my number on her cell phone to ask why Ryan is listed before her on my blog. GET OVER IT SISTER!!!! HE'S A DUDE!!! Ryan and I hit it off from the start. I met him when I came to visit texas for the first time. I was totally wasted - yah...I had an entire new castle that night, crazy eh! Anyways, I love to goof off on the guitar with Ryan then head outside to smoke a bowl and have a good conversation. Ryan also lives with his pastor so we're both blessed to have such great mentors and people that love us and are helping us on our journey. I love you man! You've help make Texas home for me - because nowhere is home without the right people there with you.

Juli
Alright - it's juli's turn. Juli and ryan are my best friends here in texas. During the summer we all hung out as much as we could. We just about died when the school started - they both had to go to school (plus they started dating! Yep, that's right...i'm the third wheel guy!). If I didn't know for a fact that I had such great friends here, I may have went back to Cali where I had an abundance of good friends - but turns out that God blesses me with great relationships wherever I go! Juli, Ryan...thanks for being awesome friends.

Darian & Felicia
Again - I'm blessed with great friends here in texas. Darian is a magician & a helicopter pilot. felicia's really good at texas hold'em and she sales cakes for weddings. Oh yah, felicia is one of the funniest/weirdest people i know. One time we went to austin to see this comedy/variety show called esters follies. It was pretty funny, but the car trip may have been the best part. We listened to Tenacious D most of the time. Felicia is the only girl that I know that actually enjoys Tenacious D(most can't even tolerate it!). Now they have moved to Tomball - I haven't been to their house yet, but I'm excited to go see them soon!

Tri & Steph
Tri & Steph went to Wellspring for a while, and even though they attend somewhere else, we hang out from time to time. Tri is also a helicopter pilot. He also does inlay work for guitars, he showed me the process, it's pretty cool stuff. I go to Tri and Stephs place to have a drink, smoke a cigar or pipe, and watch a man movie (jackass, jackass 2, etc). They have a little girl named Annalee and a brand new baby boy named Ivee (it's supposed to be like IV because his daddy is the III so he is now the IV!) Steph is gracious enough to welcome me into her home and spend some time with her husband every now and then. Thanks for everything guys!

My Broseph
That's right...David Allen! This guy is my official Texas brother. Now that I don't work at mainstreet I don't see him as often, but hopefully we'll get to hang out more in the future. David is a gamer - this dude knows a lot about WOW and all the other cool computer games. He also is a freakin' gymaholic, the dude is ripped. David and I have had a lot of good conversations. Much love broseph!

Juli Blick
Juli lived with us for several months. She is from Australia, but lives all over the world - I believe she spends most of her time working in London, and going to school in Australia. She is one of the most kind, generous people I know. She spent a lot of time working though some emergent church issues with us. The thing I remember being on her heart was the need for better communication between the established church and the emergent church. Your a true sister! Come back to texas to see us!

Kevin & Dee
I love these guys...well, I love Dee and I tolerate Kevin. Kevin sorta gets on my nerves, but I know I'm supposed to treat people like him as if he were Jesus (I'm certain Kevin isn't jesus!). Just kidding, you know I love you Kev. They have a daughter that is loads of fun to play with - all of us at wellspring claim her as our own! Juli and I just went to their house the other night to hang out, they have a really nice place(they just moved in!). Kev plays hand percussion at church and Dee usually leads us in the Jesus Creed. I'm grateful to have them in my life.

Karen
Karen is Jesus. Yep, that's what most of us at Wellspring have figured. She's such a healthy person: She lives for good things (like working behind the scenes to help people with HIV/AIDS), she lives in the moment, she has mastered the art of celebration, and yet she journeys with us dorks at wellspring (I know...just because I'm a dork doesn't mean everyone at wellspring is!). Karen, thanks for making my life richer. I need to come spend more time with you in H-town! This is a picture of Karen with her best friend Roger(cool guy that has been a great encouragement to me in Texas!).

Jam
His real name is Julius, but his initials are JAM, so everyone calls him Jam. I met Jam at the coffee shop I used to work for, then we started playing music together. He and his drummer were looking for a bass player, I flew home, visited with some friends and famliy, grabbed my bass and headed back to texas ready to rock out! We are still trying to finish a recording project we started before our drummer moved to New York(he does most of the work). We've had a lot of good times and good conversations along the way. He's made my life richer and my perspective broader, and I think I've done the same for him - it's a mutual thing.

Wellspring!
My community: Ken, Becky, Abby, Pat, Juli Cool, Juli Allen, Kev & Dee, John G, The Kill-a-brews, Don, Mark, The Ko-vars!(you guys rock, we're blessed to have you in our community!), James & Fran (recently started joining us for thursday nights)! And everyone else that comes to wellspring! You're the reason I moved to Texas! Woo!

More people to be thankful for in California...(continued)

2007-01-10T16:06:00.000-08:00

Brian L.
Brian is yet another person that I would consider my best friend (that's right..I'm defying the laws of best friendship and pronouncing multiple best friends!). Brian helped convert me from the lame skinny kid that wants to be a nike-wearing jock-headed cool guy into the lame, nerdy, listens-to-ska-music, wears converse (before they were cool...that's right - we wore them when it wasn't cool because we are cool!). Brian and I have since then moved to opposite sides of the country(me in cali and brian in new york), and then flip-flopped again with Brian moving back to cali and me in Texas. Brian and I used to sit in our garages for hours playing earth angel on our guitars because it was one of the only songs we knew. Brianism: Dude! If we were both chics I would totally make out with you! **As the elevator door opens** "Screw homicidal tendencies! I'm getting off this medication tomorrow!"

The Werners
Specifically Caden Werner. I was his friend in the disguise of a youth pastor. I taught him how to play power chords on the guitar and he loved me for it. This kid is great and has a great family. His family treats me like I'm their other older son. Amber, his sister, is great too! I miss all of them and am grateful to have had them in my life.

Daniel B.
Daniel B is one of the weirdest people I know. He is an electrition and a very generous person. Some of my favorite memories of Daniel were on our great roadtrips to the great white north. We also taped people reading a great deal of Jane Austin's pride and prejusdice to give to our friend sarah for christmas. It was pretty much the best christmas present ever. Most importantly, Daniel listened to me when I needed to vent about church stuff. I went through some pretty rough times at my old church, and I needed somebody to let me spit out what was in my head. Thanks Daniel.

Rhiannon
I started hangin' out with rhiannon because I had heard she had some similar struggles. We both came to a point where we felt we needed to leave our churches and eventually moved on. I actually started attending a church called new hope with her - it's a pretty cool church. They have some folks that help out prostitutes on 9th street. It's a great thing, they're loving people that most churches won't come near. Rhiannon also let me vent, and I in return listened to some of her stuff - we both needed someone that understood or at least kinda-sorta resonated. Now she's gearin' up to go to a DTI (YWAM stuff). It's like a long discipleship program - she'll learn a lot and get to serve a lot of people in need. I'm really happy for her, it's been a dream of her's for a long time and I hope she gets to go soon!

I know I probably left somebody from california out...so I'm sorry. Maybe if you leave me a nasty comment I'll repost with your name and how I know you on it! Peace! Now it's time for texas people!

Some quotes...

2006-11-20T13:07:00.000-08:00

"The first reaction to truth is hatred"
-Tertullian

"All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them."
-Galileo Galilei

"The belief that there is only one truth, and that oneself is in possession of it, is the root of all evil in the world."
- Max Born

"And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

"A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it."
- Oscar Wilde

"The search for truth is more precious than its possession."
- Albert Einstein

"Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it."
- Andre Gide

"Whenever you have truth it must be given with love, or the message and the messenger will be rejected"
- Mahatma Gandhi

"The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off."
- Gloria Steinem

"Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth."
-Albert Einstein

"You never find yourself until you face the truth."
-Pearl Bailey

"What you perceive, you observations, feelings, interpretations, are all your truth. Your truth is important. Yet it is not The Truth."
- Linda Ellinor

"The truth is not for all men, but only for those who seek it."
-Ayn Rand

"Believe nothing just because a so-called wise person said it.
Believe nothing just because a belief is generally held.
Believe nothing just because it is said in ancient books.
Believe nothing just because it is said to be of divine origin.
Believe nothing just because someone else believes it.
Believe only what you yourself test and judge to be true."
-Buddha

Never take yourself or your job too serious...

2006-11-20T12:52:00.000-08:00

Juli reminded me that I used 'their' instead of the proper contraction they're in the heading at the top of my blog. I'm a school teacher. Be very afraid if your child finds his/her way into my classroom.

Response to Ken

2006-11-14T17:29:00.000-08:00

My pastor, and dare I say 'texas dad' (yep, I have a texas family!) recently posted on our community blog about the people he is thankful for. I have been kinda negative lately (some of my circumstances annoy me but are really nothing compared to what others are dealing with in my community) and thought it would do me some good to take some time to reflect on what I have to be thankful for - so I guess I'm going to 'count my blessings' like the old hymn suggests. I'm going to list people I'm thankful for and then follow it up with a rant of reasons I'm thankful for them (the rant may include some stuggles -but is meant to show authentic thankfulness for the relationship in it's entirety, forgive the length - read what you will, I have a lot to be thankful for)

California People!
1. Mom & Dad.
My parents are great. My parents really supported me with the move to Texas even though they might prefer me to be close to home. They raised me to be responsible and encouraged me to love God from a very early age. I learned how to be funny from my Dad. He taught me that life is better when you can laugh at yourself. My Mom loves me to death. Our relationship has been rocky at points. She's what I call a clean freak - I'm a slob by nature so we don't get along very well when we live in the same house. She grew a lot in this area - and I probably don't tell her that enough. I think she would be proud though. Becky says I'm a pretty good house guest - I say the only person to thank is my mother for teaching me how to be cleaner. If I marry a girl who likes a clean house she will have to thank my Mom too. Thanks Mom! I love you!

2. Friends!
Beth W. - I really began to develop a close friendship with Beth when we both realized that our spiritual journeys resonated...it might have had something to do with the fact that we both have seen Dumb and Dumber over 100 times! Many of you know we dated for a few months, but eventually decided our relationship was best defined as a friendship. I'm grateful for all the memories, fun times, and good conversations I had with Beth. Beth - I like you a hella lot!(inside joke!)

Matt. Tanis - Matt is my best friend (I have several best friends - i refuse to limit to only one person). We both love to record and worked together at Morris Nursery for a few years before I moved to Texas to join a culll...I mean to be a part of a churh community. We had lots of good conversation. I liked to tell Matt dirty jokes and laugh with him. I liked to make jokes about being a missionary baptist - because he was dating this girl that is missionary baptist, really liked the girl, but kinda struggled with the missionary baptist culture (Lidsay - you know I love you with all your missionary baptist baggage!) Matt - I love you!

Matt & Sarah - they've been dating long enough that I can refer to them as a couple. I think they might like each other enough to stick it out till death do them apart! Matt and I have been on a few road trips together (some of the greatest highlights of my life! CANADA BABY!). I've been on a few with Sarah too! Actually she was the first to take me to portland. Sarah and I worked together in Riverbank (the city of action) with youth. We had a blast. We all love weezer(exclusively the blue albulm and pinkerton) almost as much as Jesus (You don't?!?! Blasphemy!!!) Matt, Sarah - I love you guys!

Kenny, E-beth, Jason - I lived with Kenny in a ministry house in West Mo! yeah. Straight cold playa's. Jason lived there aas well. Kenny, E-beth and I were a trio of hard-core leaders under the training of the great guru(seriously - he's a guru in my book) Marvin Jacobo (more on marvin later). We met each wednesday morning to discuss leadership stuff. One time I made E-beth cry! Funny story - modesto people - ask her about this - it's funny! I love you guys. Thanks for blessing me as I went on to Texas.

Brian Gardner - Umm. Brian is another one of the people I would consider to be a best friend. Strange fellow to most, but I love him to death. I love that he never gets mad if It's been a while since we talked, he's usually a what you see is what you get kinda guy. Our relationship began as a type of project thing - his grandpa (whom I love!) asked to befriend him and help him get some direction. I did, and his life changed quiet a bit. I really believe it was God and Brian - not myself, although I feel lucky to be used by God in his life to initiate some positive change and for the chace to be his friend. Brian can make a guitar from scratch. He is pretty awesome. He plays crazy finger picking styles - i love to hear him play. Brian is very spiritual. I think he might be a buddist some day, but I hope he becomes some sort of jesus-buddist. HAAH! Love you brian!

Marvin - Marvin probably has been the most transformational leader in my life (not to downplay anyone else's role, but seriously, this guy changed my life). Prior to Marvin, most thinking was done by someone else - i was trusted to execute - to follow blindly. Marvin said, no way, if you're going to be with me, we're going to do the real deal - you're going to think for yourself. Eventually I came to the point where I couldn't work in the ministry we were involved in, but Marvin still supported me, he even got me a free room for 8 months! We had our differences, but when it comes down to it Marvin really cared about me and wanted me to be me. Marvin, I love you, sometimes that was hard to say and I may have communicated that you were worthless to me and my journey, but you SERIOUSLY have brought the greatest change into my life. Thank you for that.

Pastor Mike - You were the first person to challenge me to take my faith seriously. You were like a father to me, you loved me like a father should love his children. Some of my most intimate moments were spent with you in your office, pouring out my heart because it seemed safe. Moving on was one of the hardest things I ever did. I think it was time to move on, but leaving the people you love behind is never easy. I love you Pastor Mike. (I still carry the shalom nugget with me).

Marty & Bill - You two came with me into some of the darkest parts of myself. Where the shit seems to stick to the walls of my inner being and embed itself there. Thanks for going there with me and for helping me understand what I can't see about myself. Bill, thanks for being a great friend. I'm sorry for leaving so suddenly. I heart you man!

Holy cow! This is getting long! I'll have to do a to be continued thingy - I've still got more Cali stuff to cover, then I will have a lot to be thankful here in Texas! Stay tuned!

2006-10-22T20:04:00.000-07:00

Evangelism
When you're involved in church ministry you obtain a vocabulary that's useful to that culture. One of the words that I obtained was evangelism. To me, this word had to do with how you shared your faith with others, and there were many ways to do this. Somewhere along the line someone taught me that if you're a Christian, you should be evangelising all the time. You should be sharing with people you don't know, people in your family, people you know at school, basically the thought was that if you loved God enough, no fear would keep you from sharing with anyone. So I, and I think many other Christians, felt this need to become a better evangeliser and learn how to be a better Christian by overcoming the fear to share with others.

I don't think that evangelism in a prerequisite to being a Christian anymore. I used to try to learn better ways to share my faith with others and try to get over the fear, but now my thinking is a little different. Please don't hear me saying that evangelism is wrong - or shouldn't be practiced, because I'm not. It's not my job to judge the correct way for all Christians to share their faith, it's only my job to decide what I think God wants me to do.

I think the way I used to share my faith would usually get people mad, but even worse, I would get infuriated with them because they wouldn't believe the things I just laid out in front of them. I never really wanted to share - but I occasionally would because I felt like I would be considered a good Christian if I did. I no longer feel like I have to share my faith a certain way. I actually want to now, but I do it in a very different way, and usually only in someone seems willing to talk about faith. Anne Lammont describes the contrast between most of the Christians she came across and Bill, one that seemed to listen to her:

“He was about the first Christian I ever met whom I could stand to be in the same room with. Most Christians seemed almost hostile in their belief that they were saved and you weren’t. Bill said it bothered him too, but you had to listen to what was underneath their words.” Traveling Mercies (Pg.43)

For a while I think I gave up on evangelism. What I mean is that even though I would share - I didn't really believe that I was doing anything significant. It was like because I was in ministry, I just came to accept it as part of ministry - something you do wheather you agree with it or not. I didn't like trying to sell something to someone - trying to convince them to believe exactly as I thought I believed. But my perspective has changed. I believe that one of the reasons evangelism - or sharing my faith was so difficult was that it wasn't real - it was about defending things that I hadn't experienced myself, but somehow believed were true. Now I try to be honest with people - I give them the whole picture (of what I'm struggling with concerning my faith at the time) - not just the packaged gospel. I'm also alright if they don't buy it. I'll tell them I hope they would believe, but that I'm not here to manipulate them into being a 'believer'. If God moves in their life then he moves, I'm tired of feeling like I have to do the work of the Holy Spirit. I hope someday I will see incredible conversions before my eyes and I'm going to know that it was God that made them believe, not me.

Think of conversions like Penny's from Blue Like Jazz, and Anne Lamont. These are freakin' awesome conversions! I can't get excited about debating people into believing in God. That just means someone has faith that God exists based on logical reasoning. I can get excited about God happening to someone; about someone not being able to explain logically what happened - but nonethe less God moved in their life and now they believe. Check out Anne Lammonts story:

“After a while, as I lay there, I became aware of someone with me, hunkered down in the corner, and I just assumed it was my father, whose presence I had felt over the years when I was frightened and alone. The feeling was so strong that I actually turned on the light for a moment to make sure no one was there – of course there wasn’t. But after a while, in the dark again, I knew beyond and doubt that it was Jesus. I felt him as surely as I feel my dog lying nearby as I write this.
And I was appalled. I thought about my life and my brilliant hilarious progressive friends, I thought about what everyone would think of me if I become a Christian, and it seemed an utterly impossible thing that simply could not be allowed to happen. I turned to the wall and said out loud, “ I would rather die.”
I felt him just sitting there on his haunches in the corner of my sleeping loft, watching me with patience and love, and I squinched my eyes shut, but that didn’t help because that’s not what I was seeing him with.” Traveling Mercies (pg.49-50)

“…’Fuck it: I quit.’ I took a long deep breath and said out loud, ‘All right. You can come in.’ So this was my beautiful moment of conversion” Traveling Mercies (Pg. 50)

If you haven't read Traveling Mercies, you should. The first couple of chapters that explain her childhood, view of Christians, and then how she became a follower of Christ are beautiful.

I say all this because I get excited for my friends that don't believe in God. These stories make me feel like I'm part of something BIG that God is doing in my friends lives. Something that I'm not really in control of, but maybe somewhere below the surface something is happening in my friends hearts, maybe God is chasing them like He chased Anne and Penny.

2006-10-22T19:47:00.000-07:00

The way I want to live ...

I went though Raggamuffin's Gospel and looked at some of the things I underlined when I read it. I didn't realize this, but it's kind of weird that I was drawn to this book at this point, I read it last October. I read it a few months after I read Blue Like Jazz. Here are a few things I underlined:

“A man doesn’t grow old because he has lived a certain number of years. A man grows old when he deserts his ideal. The years may wrinkle his skin, but deserting his ideal wrinkles his soul. Preoccupations, fears, doubts, and despair are the enemies which slowly bow us toward earth and turn us into dust before death.” (pg.186)

“The ragamuffin who sees his life as a voyage of discovery and runs the risk of failure has a better feel for faithfulness that the timid man who hides behind the law and never finds out who he is at all.” Raggamuffin Gospel (pg.187)

"Dear Lord, grant me the grace of wonder. Surprise me, amaze me, awe me in every crevice of Your universe. Delight me to see how Your Christ plays in ten thousand palces, lovely in limbs, and love ly in eyes not His, to the Father thought the features of men's faces. Each day enrapture me with Your marvelous things without number. I do not ask to see the reason for it all; I ask only to share the wonder of it all." (Pg.103)

It's very encouraging to read these again. It makes me feel like I'm learning how to stay true to myself. Even now I'm not sure what that means, but I know this; it feels good to live from the heart even if that means risking failure. I think I'm taking hold of what got me excited last May.

2006-10-22T19:23:00.000-07:00

The ongoing process of learning to self-differentiate...

I think this might be one of those life long process things. One of those things that just when you feel like you're feeling like you've grown a bunch, something happens; something happens and you find out that you've still got a long way to go - for me I still find myself feeling threatened by what others think of me (especially Christians). I think Brenning Manning put it well in his book Raggamuffin Gospel:

"When we accept ourselves for what we are, we decrease our hunger for power or the acceptance of others because our self-intimacy reinforces our inner sense of security. We are no longer preoccupied with being powerful or popular. We no longer fear criticism because we accept the reality of our human limitations. Once integrated, we are less often plagued with the desire to please others because simply being true to ourselves brings lasting peace. We are grateful for life and we deeply appreciate and love ourselves." (pg.49-50)

I long for the day when I will be more secure, when I will understand that God is in love with me like he was in love with Israel - not to understand it simply in a headyknowledgeablele type of way; but in a way that will sink into my bones, into the essence of who I am - who I was created to be, in a way that will allow me to experience God's love for me and overflow into my life and all who surround me. I trust that God is in my life, that He loves me and is watching over me, that He is pleased with the move to Texas - maybe even proud, and is working in the lives of those around me.

2006-09-23T22:21:00.000-07:00

Learning to self-differentiate

Lately I've been feeling purposeless. Maybe I should read the purpose drive life - then I'd know my purpose...right? This feeling usually surfaces after I explain to someone why I came to Texas (very awkwardly - I'm not really convinced that I even know why I'm here - it just feels right - I just followed my heart). Different people have different responses.
One guy asked, "So where's God in all this?".
I awkwardly spurted out an answer that I knew wasn't really what was on my heart, it just sounded better than I don't know - or worse - He's not! I felt invalidated, and well....purposeless, like God wasn't behind anything in my life at this point because I couldn't articulate it.
Another guy said, "That's cool. So what's your plan now?"
"Uhh. I'm subbing to make money and get on my feet financially. And I might join a seminary my pastor is putting together, but I'm not sure when that will happen. I'm just focusing on subbing, becoming a 'real teacher', dialoging with my church, and playing music."
"That's cool man (smiles), I'll pray for you."
Then he explained that he would pray that God would give me some direction.
Why do so many people feel like you have to have your life charted out 30 years into the future to have any 'direction'. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but it just makes it hard for me to do what I'm doing right now when I feel like everyone thinks I'm not on the right path or that I need to figure out what my 'ministry' is going to be.
Here's what I believe: I'm on a path that God has blessed. I believe that God is waiting at the end of many, many paths with his arms opened ready to embrace me. I believe that it's more important to try to be true to who you really are and to love like Christ taught regardless of the path you choose. I don't believe that there is one set path that is God's will for me and that I'm out of God's will for making one 'wrong' decision. Being a follower of Christ has more to do with out you live your life on that path rather than the path itself.
So if that's what I believe why do I feel so purposeless? I think it's because I'm still very broken, and that I really believe that I'm only important and significant to God if other people think I am too. If I really believed what I mentioned above, then I wouldn't be feeling purposeless. I suppose those are things that I'm striving to believe for myself. When I first got here Ken told me he though my greatest weakness of a lack of self confidence and that I would need to learn how to self-differentiate (to know the difference between what I believe, what someone else believes, and that it's alright to believe different things). This is really hard for me because I've spent a great deal of my life 'earning' my self-worth by making others happy. Despite my addiction to approval - I was able to follow my heart out here to Texas and decide to stay indefinitely against what some thought was best. Brenning Manning put it well in Raggamuffin Gospel:
"The ragamuffin who sees his life as a voyage of discovery and runs the risk of failure has a better feel for faithfulness than the timid man who hides behind the law and never finds out who he is at all."

I believe I'm in a good place and that God will take care of me. I believe there are people in my life that are here for a reason and that my purpose it to follow Jesus - love God and love people that is (journey to find out what that means!). I believe I'm doing this - or at least trying to. I'm grateful to the people who are helping me along this journey and hope I can help others on their jounrney.

2006-09-14T12:42:00.000-07:00

My first haircut in Texas! I can't wait for it to grow back!

Apparently "I still want it long - just not so bushy" means something else in Texas. I'm guessing it means one of the following:
1. Could you cut my hair like Jim Carey had his cut for Dumb and Dumber? You know - the classic Llyod Christmas look?
2. I'd like my hair to look like you put a bowl on my head and cut across the edge of it. I felt that I'd rather pay you money to do that instead of doing it myself. Thanks.

2006-09-13T21:49:00.000-07:00

In honor of the Notorious B.I.G....

Biggie put it well when he said, "I'm going, going....back, back....to cali, cali." Not for good, just to visit for a while and to get some of my music equipment. I was going to have my bass guitar shipped out here, but my Dad offered to pick up half of my plane ticket - so there 'ya have it - I'm going back to cali! Plane leaves two week from friday.

2006-09-08T23:20:00.000-07:00

Girls: The thing Don wrote about the thing that Tony said
In case you haven't heard my story; I came from a church background where I was encouraged not to date. Although I value the progress I made spiritually at that church, I honestly regret not dating. It's not like I feel that I have missed out on something as much as I feel very weird and out of the loop on relationships with the opposite sex. There is this strong tension that exists in me between the parts of me that desire a girlfriend and the parts of me that still believe dating is wrong/unspiritual/etc. There's a part in Don Millers "To Own a Dragon" that I really enjoyed. It's a long selection, but I resonated with it (not sure I understand it fully - but I feel like there is a profound truth for me to eventually grasp in this particular chapter). The first part of the chapter is Don explaining this situation where he was able to see a girl break up with a guy at a coffee shop (he was listening in/watching this go on), then watch the guy leave, then watch the girl go over to another guy and begin to mingle. Later that day he was at another coffee shop and happened to see that SAME GIRL do the same thing to a completly different guy!!! That sucks! After describing what happened Don writes this:

And this is the part of the story where I tell you what it is a girl really wants from a guy, what it is that stops her looking and has her facinated with a particular boy, you or me, for example. But the truth is I don't know. I really don't.

I know some guys turn girls on and some guys don't. I know some girls play games and some girls don't. I also know it feels good to be tired of it. I only say that because there was a day when I would be attracted to a particular girl and yet the attraction would have nothing to do with her. What I mean is, I would be attracted to a girl, and feel very real feelings for her, only because she was a challenge and I wanted to know whether I had what it took to be the one she would end up dating. Most of the time I wansn't, and worse; if I was, I lost interest shortly after she became attrated. I guess that's why they call it a game.

Watching the woman at the coffee shop made me realize how shallow the game was, and that my soul was more than a bit tired of it. For the forst time, perhaps, I didn't want to play anymore. I wanted something else, something better.

I learned to put words to what I wanted from my friend Tony. We were having dinner at a Mexican place a while back and I had just started seeing a girl. I was telling Tony how much I liked her, how I liked her honesty and the feeling I got when I was with her. I like that she was a girl I wasn't uncomfortable praying with, and this was something different from past relationships. Tony said he thought she sounded great. But then he asked if I thought I deserved to be in a relationship at all.

"I don't know," I told him. "What do you mean?"

"Do you feel a girl would be grateful to have you in her life?" he asked.

"I've never thought about it," I told him. In relationships, I had spent most of my time wondering if the girl liked me, and moreover, if I was likeable. I think Tony was asking a different question.

"What are you getting at?" I asked.

"I don't know," Tony said. "It's just that with my wife, with Aimee, I've come to the conclusion I don't deserve her. I really don't. And the fact she would want to spend the rest of her life with me strikes me as incredible. I'm grateful, is all I am saying."

"Do you think I'm not grateful?" I asked my friend.

"Not saying that," Tony stated. "Just saying that I think we can use other people, romantic stuff, to validate ourselves. It has nothing to do with love. And when you find love, or when you are mature enought to understand it, the feeling you get is gratitude. I'm not saying I am mature by any means," Tony continued, "but when I wake up in the morning and look at my wife sleeping next to me, I am sometimes overcome that another human being would want to share her life with me."

The thing Tony said stuck with me. And I've started to wonder if what I was really lacking in my understanding of relationships was humility. I don't mean to sound mushy or weak, because that will kill a relationship too, but I wondered if love stemming from the ego and love stemming from the heart were very different things, and what was happening in my soul was a kind of transition from immaturity to maturity.

I really like this passage. I liked it enough to stay up at 1:40 am and type it up. I'm even wondering if anyone will take the time to read this long entry. I doubt it, but it doesn't matter. I think this is a good way to process things. So what does it mean to me? I honestly cringe when Don says that he's tired of it. The thing is, I can see what he's saying; I can see that there are A LOT of people caught up in this stupid game of validation. Where girls play games with boys so they can feel pretty and desireable, and boys play games to make themselves feel validated and feel like they have what it takes to get a girl. I want to be like Don and be able to say I'm tired of it all. In a way I am because I understand and agree with Dons description of the game. In fact, I recently read a guys story in a blog that was talking about this crazy relationship (I won't go into too many details in case somebody finds out who it was). This dude is totally crazy for this girl (or is it for his own validation???), and everything else hinges on whether he is with the particular girl or not. His view of God, his view of ministry, his overall view of life hinges on this one girl (or could it be other girls too???). One minute he's thankful that God is going to grant his request to bring this girl back to him. He's restoring his relationship with God and deciding to devote his life to ministry. I don't mean to bag on this guy. I'm glad he's able to be honest with what he's feeling - and I can even empathize with him - because as embarasing as it is - I have and do struggle with the same kind of thought processes. I think it's important not to allow your so called feelings for a girl to be the hinge that your life pivots on. But still it's hard for me - because I want to be validated. I'm not where Don is - not if that means passing up a girl that I have feelings for and that I can somehow 'win'. I guess what I'm hoping for - what I'm praying to God for - is courage. Courage to be like Don, and be tired of the game. To not only want to be validated - and to love from my ego - but from my heart. My fear is that in this mindset I'll become 'weak and mushy' like I've always been and never pursue a relationship out of self pitty or something like that. This is all confusing and scary to me, but I hope soon God will bring me someone that I can connect with. Someone that will journey with me - that will put up with the awkwardness that I can't seem to get away from - that I would somehow be thankful to be with - and be filled with a healthy kind of humility. God bless you if you read this awfully long blog. Welcome to the mess that is my head and my heart.

2006-09-05T21:19:00.000-07:00

Another stab at blogging...
I just had a nice talk with one of my best Texas friends (I have two here in Texas - and many more in California). She is going to make a great pastor...ehh...actually I think she is a great pastor - so I guess that means I have two great pastors now. She's a great pastor because I felt I needed somebody to press my buttons and help me start thinking about the shit in my life. I know it's there and I say I want to deal with it and that I'm the kind of person that is 'real enough' to go deeper than most, but when it comes down to it I hate pain. I think I understand that it's something that I have in me - and that I have a choice to cram it down and move on, or I can deal with it the best I can with the help of God and good friends. Tonight my friend whom I am considering one of my pastors since that's what she says she wants to be and to me she stepped up to the plate for me and asked me some tough questions that got me thinking about things I feel I need to address, but I'm not really sure how - or that I can even begin on my own. I'm talking about stuff that happened to me that shapes how I act, think, and relate - probably on a daily basis and under the radar. Issues with submitting to authority, what that looks like, what's appropriate, and some of the assumptions that I carry on the topic. I'm trying to figure out if the seasons I've went though with different leaders/mentors are healthy or unhealthy. Do I move on from one mentor to the next because it's what's best for me or because they pushed buttons that I didn't want touched? Or is it something else? I don't know at this point, but I really am grateful to have a friend that seems to have a gift at balancing love/truth/grace/etc to help a friend out.

2006-06-29T14:55:00.000-07:00

Ahh Texas, that great land of megachurches and thick accents. To most Californians it would be a nightmare to relocate from this paradise where you can be two hours from the ocean or two hours from the mountains to Texas where you get a free sauna 24/7! Was that a run-on sentence or what?!?!? But for me I caught a glince of hope while I was in Texas. That was enough to convince me to go against many logical reasons for me to stay in California. So what am I hoping for? Good question. I think what is drawing me to Texas is more of a feeling that it is a set of logical reasons that make sense; a feeling that tells me there is a community where the way I think and question won't come across as bad/heretical/irrational/postmodern cliche. You see, I really identify with that Death Cab For Cutie Song that says:
Cause in my head there's a greyhound station. Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations. So they may have a chance of finding a place where they're far more suited than here
The song is talking about a girl or something like that, but to me it is metaphorical to my spiritual journey and the frustrations I have had in recent years. I feel like a fake and even though I have some friends that are safer than others, I still sense that wellspring is safer. So here's the plan at this point: I'm going to Texas for about two months to get past the hype of change and get a grasp of what Wellspring is really about and if that's what I want. For the most part this is easy decision for me to make because I want to go and see; but it's not an easy decision because I am addicted to approval and live behind the hard stone walls of what people think of me. Here's a question that's been swirling around in my head for some time: What is the role of leadership in one's life? I have all these "shoulds" bouncing around in my head. Like when proverbs says, The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice. But whose advise? I want advice...I really do; I just don't want everyone's advice. I want advice from people who validate me. I want the advice of people who say, "Texas sounds good.", "Go for it", "Follow your heart", "Don't mess with Texas". I don't like the advice of people that say, "ohhh, bad idea", "what about ______?" etc. Basically I like affirming advice. I also like advice that makes me think, even if I don't like it. If it helps me to make a decision then it's good, if it calls me to blindly follow I'm not so sure that it's good. Following things based on blind obedience breeds bitterness toward whoever you're taking advice from. But I wonder if there is some sort of balance? Rather, I wonder if the process of getting advice has become warped by modern thinking. Maybe getting advice isn't as much about following the advice of a certain person or a certain way of life as it is getting many perspectives and thoughts on a decision before making that decision. Instead of it being a matter of, "I am going to ask so and so what to do and do whatever he thinks" maybe it would be the process of getting much advice and finding out the reason that person gave that advice, then sorting though it yourself to make a move. OK, so now you have had a glance at what has been going on in my head lately... I could go on but I've already rambled too much. Please share your thoughts/experiences on this topic if you dare to have any...